my thoughts about my body

I weigh approximately 52kg, and I am 1.59m. I feel fat. That is the truth and I am not going to lie about this anymore. I squeeze the insides of my thighs and I feel disgusted by the amount of flesh I feel. I look into the mirror and the first thing that comes to my mind is the amount of fats I have under my cheeks, underneath all that skin. My obsession with my fats has taken over my life. I look into the mirror every morning, every afternoon, every night, and before I sleep. I scrutinise my half naked body in the mirror - from the front and the side profile. I look at the bump at my abdomen - FATS. I look at the curves at my hips - FATS. I look at the lumpy flesh at the sides of my chest - FATS. I was never thin, never even near being 'ideal'. I always felt fat. Looking at the girls around me in secondary school, I felt less than ideal. I know I should not be feeling this way. I know I am supposed to be proud of my body, but it is just so hard. Society just doesn't 'like' fats. Right now, I can't even wear a pair of jeans without reassuring myself that nobody cares about your body. I only wear jeans when I go for exams because it gets so bloody cold in the halls. I was never a girly girl and never liked wearing skirts. But now, skirts are like my blankets. I wear them to cover my thighs and to cover my low hips. It was never meant to be a fashion statement. I even wear dresses now. I 'know' I am not fat fat, but I know I am.