#throwbackthursday even tho' it's not Thursday

FRIENDS SINCE PRIMARY 1! I will definitely miss you, Chua Jun Hui! 

Have fun in the army and a super early Happy Birthday!

Tuckshop with NatWong, who I am missing a lot right now and Jun Hui

Gone

The warm morning sun filled the room with its yellow light; slowly. She was still in bed and buried in her blankets and the many pillows. Anybody would have noticed her swollen eyes and her gray skin but many had chose to ignore it. Slowly opening her eyes to blurry vision, she pushed her comforters away and sat  up; thinking. Thinking about all that had happen in the last 24 hours of her life. The words that hurt her so deeply, her apologies for her shortcomings and her realisation that some problems can never be solved. That was when she decided that day, she was not going to get better. Everything that seemed happy or lovely, reminded her she had lost all of her happiness and the love she had learned to recklessly give. Everything gay made her feel that the simple things they used to do together just 365 days back were never going to happen again. She rubbed her damp eyes and grabbed her glasses from her bedside stand. "Work," she murmured to herself. She did not want that. Facing people and pretending all is well; smiley and cheerful. That was not her anymore. 

She did not have to smile to look beautiful anymore because nobody will be there to see beauty in her.

Crying a river in my room as I type this. I have never been this hurt in my life before. "I find this relationship tiring" "How can you feel tired when you don't even do anything?" 

Thanks a lot, Jun Yang. You have successful broke my heart and made me feel like the lousiest crap in the world. Kudos to you, I swear. I don't even know what to feel and I don't even know why I am crying. This is so not worth it anymore. 

Listening to my cousin telling stories about clubbing and stuff really makes me wonder if I have lived my life. No, I don't have to drink/smoke/club to have actually LIVED life but honestly, I feel like I am living under a freaking HUGE rock. I always thought I have been through hell these 18 years of my life: Stress from school/Fights with my boyfriend/Depression which I constantly pretend does not exists at the moment/Examinations/Acne NO SHIT DUDE I am living under a rock. I do not know how to swim 50 laps without dying nor do I drink AT ALL. A sip of beer is enough to make me feel dizzy and red in the face. 

In other news, I have been thinking quite a bit about my "future" plans. People are (annoyingly) bombarding me with questions about my plans. "STAYING AT HOME AND BEING MY FAMILY'S MAID!" 

Been trying very hard to sing and semi-finals for Impresario is this Sunday. Nervous wreck, I am. I will be giving it my best shot and cross our fingers that I make it into the finals. 

:]

This morning, I woke up and realised I had been dreaming about us. The last dream of you was previous days back. You were cheating on me and I did not know what to do. I pretended that she was just a close friend and it was horrible; like a dagger was stabbing  my chest every second I saw you with her. I couldn't remember the tears on my face but I know I would never want that to happen ever. 
Last night - a better dream, definitely. 

A month into 2013

One month into the year and I have done things which I am proud of. 
One month into the year and I have earned some money and spent some too.
One month into the year and I still feel as ugly inside as I felt at the start of 2013.

I have felt things I should not be feeling and done things I should not have been doing.
No, not murder or drugs/alcohol/cigarettes. 

Bliss and on top of the world. Listening to Tattoo by Jordin Sparks makes me wonder if all this is real. "Just like a tattoo, I'll always have you" Please promise you will never take my heart and toss it aside 'cause I was mean to you once or twice. Give me chances because I need more than one to prove myself. I am not perfect, definitely. Forgive me for any wrong I have done to you (a lot). 

xx