Sunday.

Sometimes I wonder why things are the way it is. Is it God? Is it fate? Destiny? Or circumstances? It's hard thinking about stuff like this. It's scarily spiritual and sometimes, to me, it seems like I am questioning the universe. IT IS HUGE! How can anyone question things like this? Things just happen, no? As a girl at 18 of age, I start to question this thing I have with you; this thing called a relationship. I do agree that I am a bitch when I tell myself that maybe this is not even official since you have never asked me if I wanted this; this whole stupid official boy-girl relationship. Obviously, we are together. Everyone thinks we are and we think we are; but honestly, are our hearts in this together? 
Just recently, very recently, I started asking myself if this was right for me? Is this right for me? Can we, yknow, catch up with each other? Can I tolerate all your childish behaviour? Will I ever be able to appreciate you for who you are? Your religion? I can't. I don't think I can. That was why I cried so hard last night, and woke up today with swollen eyes. But with my stupid small eyes, swollen or not; no difference at all. 
It's so hard for me to know that you KNOW that after life, we won't be together. This just means 'Forever' is not possible. HOW CAN THAT NOT BE POSSIBLE? 
It kills me even further that he can't be with somebody who truly lets him be him, who loves him wholly. I love him like nuts, I have to say. But it still kills me. Right now, I just can't wait for As to NOT END so we don't need to have that stupid talk that will lead to a stupid decision that will hurt my fucking heart. And I would have to live the rest of my life being miserable that such a thing even had to happen. Alright, if you are random reader, you would think I am being childish and like am a love-crazed teen. No people, you do not understand. No, we did not have sex. But what we have is so so special, I am not even being delusional here. Sigh sigh sigh, I want to run away so bad.